By Philip Yeung
What a fascinating world we live in!
Something strange happened when Japanese prime minister Senae Takaichi recently paid an official visit to Australia. Everything was prim and proper except for one small detail. The female Japanese prime minister handed her Australian counterpart two juicy melons as a gift!
To my recollection, no visiting leader had ever presented the host with two outsized fruits. It is inappropriate, to say the least. But to begin with, importing produce into Australia violates its biosecurity laws, as this Down Under country is super-sensitive about the health risk posed by fruits and other produce. So, Takaichi began her first official visit to Australia by breaking its laws. How did she get them through customs? Did she hide them under her skirt? She obviously smuggled them through, of course. This raises serious questions about the judgment of Japan's female prime minister. Is she of sound mind? Was she trying to symbolically seduce her male host by presenting him with juicy fruit full of sexual symbolism?
The Australian prime minister was apparently tickled by this unusual gift, as his subsequent behavior demonstrated. Japan is not exactly famous for producing melons. This woman wants attention, whatever it takes. Too much attention, it turns out. Takaichi obviously wanted to make a splash upon landing. But the melons have turned into media bombs that have blown up in the face of her Australian host. This woman has brought nothing but trouble. Why couldn't she have settled for Japanese animated cartoons instead?
The Australians chose to wink at this weird gesture. But that's not how this episode ended. It has escalated into a major international incident that has landed the Australian prime minister in hot water. The melons dominated the headlines and have completely overshadowed the object of the visit. Its side effects are still simmering, long after the visitor has left. For weeks, Australians talked about nothing else, not the war in Iran, not the war in Ukraine, not the earthquake in Colombia, not the heatwave in Europe. The earth-shattering news is all about two damned moon-shaped melons.
It is true that while being interviewed by a comedian, Albanese made a fondling gesture with his hands around his chest, having been goaded into it by the naughty host of the show. Compared to the crudeness of Trump's "grab them by the pussy" remark, this is a tempest in a teacup, a forgivable light-hearted mickey-taking. Except it has now snowballed into something bigger, giving Australia its first international scandal, its own "gate". Henceforth, Albanese will always own "melon-gate", thanks to the hijinks of a cattle-class, law-breaking tourist, Takaichi. This juicy gesture is nothing but silly diplomatic distraction. Her cheekiness has become a crisis. Takaichi no doubt did it for clicks, and oodles of people have obliged.
I wonder what happens when Italy's female prime minister, Meloni, next comes visiting Down Under? With the "i" next to melon, she would be well-advised to bring three melons. Two is sexually suggestive, but three is safe and sexually neutral.
Albanese is expected to pay a return visit to Japan. The whole world is holding its breath, wondering if the Australian leader would take two Aussie avocados with him. He must take two, in the spirit of reciprocity. Anything less in size and number would be disrespectful. But at least, Albanese doesn't have to smuggle them into Tokyo. He, unlike Takaichi, will break no law.
After melon-gate, only fruits will do for diplomatic gifts. With two outstretched hands, and two melons, you grab the world's undivided attention. Australia should be thankful that the Japanese lady prime minister did not behave like a jilted girlfriend and bring two hand grenades instead. A crass joke never kills. Fruit growers of the world unite!
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