In intimate relationships, conflicts and friction are almost inevitable. From an unintentional remark to a heated argument, these situations often leave people feeling hurt and distant. However, why can some quickly let go of the hurt and repair the relationship, while others struggle to move on?
Today, Wen Wei Po interviewed Dr. Shine Ho Man-yee, Associate Professor at the School of Arts and Social Sciences of Hong Kong Metropolitan University (HKMU), who specializes in research on marital and romantic relationships. She shared insights into the key factors that enable people to forgive and learn to let go: the crucial element lies in self-regulation, commonly known as "self-control."
By managing emotions, shifting thought patterns, recalling a partner's positive traits, and understanding the reasons behind their actions, individuals can achieve a psychological state of forgiveness.
She also noted that this research holds significant practical implications. Strengthening self-control and forgiveness abilities can lead to more stable intimate relationships and provide new strategies and insights for marriage counseling, relationship education, and clinical therapy.
"We hope to delve deeper into the mechanisms of forgiveness and explore concrete methods to help people learn to forgive, whether in romantic partnerships, marital relationships, or even parent-child dynamics," Dr. Ho said.
Previous studies suggest that forgiveness is closely tied to interpersonal relationships—those with higher levels of forgiveness tend to experience greater relationship satisfaction and intimacy. However, forgiveness requires overcoming negative emotions and involves complex psychological processes. To investigate this, Dr. Ho conducted empirical research involving over 800 Hong Kong adults in stable romantic or marital relationships (averaging six to seven years). The findings revealed a significant positive correlation between self-control and forgiveness, with forgiveness enhancing relationship satisfaction, commitment, and intimacy.
Positive attitudes repair relationships, avoiding retaliation and avoidance
Through a four-week follow-up study, Dr. Ho further discovered that participants' initial self-control traits could predict their future tendency to forgive, and forgiveness significantly improved relationship stability and quality. She explained that individuals with strong self-regulation skills are better equipped to overcome negative emotions, avoid retaliatory or avoidant behaviors, and adopt positive attitudes to mend relationships. This highlights the importance of self-regulation in intimate relationships.
Challenges in unstable romance, daily life, and parenting
Dr. Ho emphasized that different stages of intimate relationships come with unique challenges. In the early stages of romance, the core issue is often insecurity. Since the relationship is not yet stable, doubts about whether the partner is the right fit can arise, and this uncertainty frequently becomes a source of stress.
After marriage, the challenges shift to adjusting to daily life. For example, newlyweds might argue over household matters, from where bathroom items are placed to how laundry is handled—these mundane matters, though subtle, can become triggers for conflict. When children are born, couples must balance maintaining their relationship while learning to co-parent. At this stage, interference from elders can further complicate the intimate relationship.
Facing these challenges requires strong self-regulation skills to calmly control emotions and take more rational actions. "For instance, when emotions run high, you can drink a glass of water, take a walk, or exercise—these activities help us cool down quickly and avoid acting impulsively," Dr. Ho said. Self-regulation also involves shifting thought patterns, such as recalling a partner's strengths or trying to understand the reasons behind their behavior from their perspective. This empathy fosters positive interactions between partners, reducing misunderstandings and conflicts.
Harmony is precious
Dr. Ho mentioned that self-regulation abilities are closely linked to personality traits and life experiences.
"Some people are naturally better at self-control and regulating emotions, while others need to develop these skills through learning and training. For example, participating in emotional management workshops or receiving psychological counseling can help individuals enhance their self-regulation abilities." Additionally, cultural backgrounds influence self-regulation. "In traditional Chinese culture, interpersonal relationships emphasize 'harmony is precious.' This value encourages individuals to repair relationships rather than escalate conflicts."
She added that similar forgiveness studies have rarely been conducted in Chinese societies. This research supplements cross-cultural factors and perspectives in psychology while offering more possibilities for improving intimate relationships.
(Source: Wen Wei Po; Journalist: Yannis Yeung; English Editor: Darius)
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