Opinion | Come on, Ambassador Burns, take a Viagara or two
By Philip Yeung, university teacher
PKY480@gmail.com
To his Excellency, US Ambassador Nicholas Burns:
Dear Ambassador,
I am getting worried about your health. You never seemed to smile. Since coming to China as US ambassador, you have been wearing a permanent scowl. From time to time, you spout fantastical theories about the China Threat. Only the other day, you swore that the US would never accept living in a world dominated by China, with its Chinese values. China dominating and ideologically brainwashing the world? You are living in Alice's Wonderland. China is no monster, and the US is no saint.
I am not a psychiatrist. But it seems to me that you have been showing symptoms of insecurity about your manhood. It couldn't be the soup you drink in China. It must be your lousy love life. Why else would you feel threatened by a country that never sends any troops overseas, except for UN peacekeeping missions? What exactly has China done to your country? America is the country that worries the world. The US calls itself a democracy, but behaves like an empire. A psychiatrist will diagnose your condition as paranoia. That's why you practice projection---projecting onto China your own aggressive instincts. But luckily, your condition is treatable. Just ask your doctor for a prescription to boost your dodgy virility.
As for China, it should stop saying, almost robotically, that it resolutely rejects your baseless accusations about the China Threat. Instead, your Chinese host should try non-verbal communication and send you a month's worth of Viagara every time you lash out at China for no good reason. We know it is your insecurity talking. And if the American pills don't do the trick, why not try our deer's dick, or bull's penis. They are the thousand-year-old never-fail cure that has kept the Chinese multiplying for millennia. Normally erectile dysfunction and diplomacy don't go together. But we are all human.
You see, Ambassador Burns, you Americans have been too serious for your own good. Seriousness is bad for diplomacy or world peace. Remember Hitler? No one wore a more sinister scowl than this unhinged man. In the last decade, America has stopped smiling. The Hitler-like solemnity is bad for your health and your image. What your State Department needs is another Woody Allen, or Stephen Colbert, the dean of late-night comedy. The halls of diplomacy can use a chuckle or two. In a dangerous world, a smile is disarming. Anger doesn't cut it. Somehow, America has appointed itself as a champion China scolder. Frankly, the hectoring is getting on our nerves.
You are in China now, and elbow to elbow with its people. Why not open your eyes to the calmness that is China? Why not open your heart, too, to its good-natured people? One day when you serve out your term you should boast a harvest of Chinese friendships. Don't go back empty-handed. Isn't that what ambassadors are supposed to do, winning hearts and minds? Tone down your rhetoric; diplomats don't go around insulting their host or picking quarrels. You are here to promote peace, not war. Make a mark for yourself. Don't let the bad blood fester. Leave your diplomatic compound and see China, a country very much minding its own business; its people are too busy living, but always friendly to foreigners. Its streets, unlike the US, are practically crime-free, and its high-speed trains are on schedule. Do you honestly feel threatened by the order and civility that prevail in China? Does this look like a country of uncontrolled aggression? Yes, the Chinese are money-minded, but not war-minded—they never forget the savagery in wars brought and fought by foreign powers. They love the smell of their RMB and their electric cars. They are allergic to territorial conquests, and don't care enough to topple America from its top-dog status. They don't hanker after the number one spot, knowing the headache that goes with it. Their priority is to save money for their sons' bride price or their daughters' dowry.
So, instead of stocking up on more phallic-looking rockets and missiles, instead of sending gun boats to the South China Sea, looking for trouble, why not try the pills for peace. It's good for the bedroom, and even better for the negotiating table. They will leave you untroubled by doubts about your manhood.
My grandfather was a Chinese herbalist. Our family has ample supplies of deer's dick that is guaranteed to work every time. Let me send you a sample. Try it, it might bring back the lost smile to your face, Mr. Burns. A handsome man like you can surely rekindle the US-China romance. Make love, not war. Get deer's dick, not F-35's.
The views do not necessarily reflect those of DotDotNews.
Read more articles by Philip Yeung:
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